Free Bird Seed: Bait Strategy Document (Revised) v2
Free Bird Seed: Bait Strategy Document (Revised)
Objective
Deploy complimentary bird seed at a strategic location to attract the target into a pre-arranged capture zone.
Target Profile
- Species: fast desert bird
- Known weakness: bird seed (all varieties)
- Approach speed: stationary when eating
- Departure speed: approximately 600 mph
- Intelligence: significantly higher than previously assessed
Deployment Plan
- Place 5 lbs of premium bird seed in a pile on the road
- Position capture mechanism 3 feet from seed pile
- Conceal operator behind nearby boulder (minimum 50 ft for safety)
- Wait
- Accept that the outcome will not match expectations
Revised Capture Mechanisms
Based on 31 field trials, the following mechanisms have been evaluated:
| Mechanism | Attempts | Successes | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Falling anvil | 8 | 0 | See anvil drop system |
| Cage drop | 6 | 0 | Target eats seed through cage bars |
| Trap door | 5 | 0 | Operator falls through instead |
| Grab by hand | 4 | 0 | Target is faster than hands |
| Glue trap | 4 | 0 | Operator stepped in glue |
| Magnetic trap | 2 | 0 | Target is not magnetic |
| Polite request | 1 | 0 | Target appeared to consider it briefly |
| Reverse psychology | 1 | 0 | Placed "Do Not Eat" sign next to seed. Target ate seed and sign. |
Budget
- Bird seed: $4.99
- Capture mechanism: $799.99 (average)
- Medical expenses: $15,000 (revised upward)
- Dignity: priceless (and spent)
Conclusion
The bait works. It has always worked. The target always arrives. We have mastered the art of attracting the target. What we have not mastered is anything that happens after that.